My internship this summer is at the New York State Psychiatric Institute on the eating disorder inpatient unit. NYSPI is part of Columbia University Medical Center and is a leading hospital in research and mental health discoveries. It is also a teaching hospital, which means, it throws you right in! On my second day I had to lead a psychotherapy group, facilitate a family session, and do individual therapy with patients. Yikes! It is intense. But, I love it. It is exactly what I need. I want to learn, be challenged, and forced to see what I can handle.
I currently have four patients with anorexia nervosa. This illness distorts the reality of one's body image and basically kills self-esteem and self-worth. It is extremely heart wrenching. They look in the mirror and see false and distorted images of themselves that turn in to negative, false beliefs about who they are. Not only does an eating disorder destroy one's self-image, but it can damage relationships, families, and one's ability to participate in the world. I have a patient that weighed 74 pounds when she was admitted to the unit. She was a walking skeleton. She could not walk upstairs, or sit in a chair without a pillow. She could not carry on a conversation that lasted more than five minutes, which is actually termed "skinny brain." Meaning, she was starving, and one cannot function on any level when the body is in starvation. It is very easy to start asking questions like, "Why are you doing this? Are you crazy? Do you understand how skinny you are?" Although questioning their motive is important, what's more important is trying to understand and grapple with the amount of pain they live with every day. To go through every moment of the day hating who you are has to be the most painful way to live.
As much as I love and believe in what I do, it's hard. Eating disorders are stubborn, and do not go away. They linger and manifest in the most harmful ways and it is painful to watch. There are days I leave feeling completely hopeless. So why am I doing this? I believe everyone has worth and everyone is loveable. And when I have a conversation with a patient where they begin to see their worth, or understand that they are worthy of something better and want to change, the light at the end of the tunnel gets bigger and brighter and makes all the hard stuff worth it. I want to love women that do not love themselves. And in so doing, hopefully they can learn how to do it, and pass it on.
I write this because today was a hard day. And sometimes I need to remind myself why I do what I do. Even social workers need perspective.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Night time on the ferry
A couple weeks ago Brennan and I took the ferry over to Staten Island for an art show. It was part of my birthday extravaganza that Brennan planned!
(If you remember, Brennan and I took the Staten Island Ferry on our very first day in New York. We had to take the ferry into the city after we dropped off our UHaul. Riding that ferry into my new home was intense. I was terrified, emotional, homesick, well, a wreck, but it will forever be one of the most memorable, magical, romantic moments of my life. Needless to say, I have a special bond with that ferry.)
Riding the ferry almost a year later was much different. It felt almost normal. :)
On our walk back to the ferry after the art show we saw fireworks being lit up over Manhattan, which Brennan said he arranged for me. Isn't he sweet? :) We also saw a pretty great view of the city, including the World Trade Center lit up red, white, and blue. I had never seen that before. It's little things like this that make me stop and say, "Wow, I live in New York." It was a good moment. And in a city such as this, I need to cling to those good moments sometimes and remember that Manhattan can be beautiful.
(If you remember, Brennan and I took the Staten Island Ferry on our very first day in New York. We had to take the ferry into the city after we dropped off our UHaul. Riding that ferry into my new home was intense. I was terrified, emotional, homesick, well, a wreck, but it will forever be one of the most memorable, magical, romantic moments of my life. Needless to say, I have a special bond with that ferry.)
Riding the ferry almost a year later was much different. It felt almost normal. :)
On our walk back to the ferry after the art show we saw fireworks being lit up over Manhattan, which Brennan said he arranged for me. Isn't he sweet? :) We also saw a pretty great view of the city, including the World Trade Center lit up red, white, and blue. I had never seen that before. It's little things like this that make me stop and say, "Wow, I live in New York." It was a good moment. And in a city such as this, I need to cling to those good moments sometimes and remember that Manhattan can be beautiful.
Friday, July 6, 2012
29 ain't so bad
29 is scary. I'm one year away from the big 3-0. Ah!
I could never imagine where I would be at 30 because it seemed soooooo old! Now, it's one year away. How is that possible? But, I also never imagined I would be celebrating my 29th birthday in New York! So, where will I be at 30? I'm still not sure. But, I do know that I will have a Master's in Social Work and will have lived in New York for two years where I've stepped out of my comfort zone in every possible way, met amazing people, learned a ton, and experienced so much. I'm proud of that. Really proud.
More importantly, I have friends that love me, a family that loves me, a man that loves me, and a God that loves me. Those things alone make me incredibly grateful every single day. As long as that remains constant, getting older is a beautiful thing. I'm a pretty lucky 29 year old.
And a few weeks ago I was told I look like I'm 17. So, either I need to wear more mascara, or I'll look 20 when I'm 40. :)
I could never imagine where I would be at 30 because it seemed soooooo old! Now, it's one year away. How is that possible? But, I also never imagined I would be celebrating my 29th birthday in New York! So, where will I be at 30? I'm still not sure. But, I do know that I will have a Master's in Social Work and will have lived in New York for two years where I've stepped out of my comfort zone in every possible way, met amazing people, learned a ton, and experienced so much. I'm proud of that. Really proud.
More importantly, I have friends that love me, a family that loves me, a man that loves me, and a God that loves me. Those things alone make me incredibly grateful every single day. As long as that remains constant, getting older is a beautiful thing. I'm a pretty lucky 29 year old.
And a few weeks ago I was told I look like I'm 17. So, either I need to wear more mascara, or I'll look 20 when I'm 40. :)
I'm 29!
My bday celebration with amazing friends! These people have made New York feel like home. 29 ain't so bad!
Summer in the City
My first summer in NYC. It's hot. Very hot.
But, before I jump in to all the summer happenings in the city, I have to make up for some lost time. So hang in there, I have a lot to cover.
First things first. My internship this past year at Cypress Hills High School in Queens was quite a ride. One I will never forget. I not only got to work at a truly urban, poor New York City school, but I also came face to face with community violence, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, physical abuse, and the many other risks teenagers face today, which are somewhat tantamount in New York City. It was an amazing experience filled with numerous trials and challenges, including a pretty terrible supervisor. But, above all, I met some amazing kids and figured out what kind of social worker I want to be. A good one.
But, before I jump in to all the summer happenings in the city, I have to make up for some lost time. So hang in there, I have a lot to cover.
First things first. My internship this past year at Cypress Hills High School in Queens was quite a ride. One I will never forget. I not only got to work at a truly urban, poor New York City school, but I also came face to face with community violence, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, physical abuse, and the many other risks teenagers face today, which are somewhat tantamount in New York City. It was an amazing experience filled with numerous trials and challenges, including a pretty terrible supervisor. But, above all, I met some amazing kids and figured out what kind of social worker I want to be. A good one.
Here are my ladies from Cypress Hills. These girls have faced more in their lifetime than I ever will. Yet, they are beautiful, incredible, and so very resilient. The work I did with these girls truly validated my decision to pursue my MSW in New York.
Next, I took a trip to Boston! Boston is beautiful and it was so much fun to have some quality girl time with my dear friends Alex and Lauren.
If you think Harvard isn't all that it's cracked up to be, well, it is. It was gorgeous.
Cheers! I have been obsessed with this show lately. I know I'm about 20 years behind, but that's when shows get really good.
Here's the library. It's enormous and really magnificent. Boston is full of history and beauty. It's so cute, and seemed a little more manageable than NYC, I must say.
Next, I went home to sweet Minnesota for a month. Ah, home. It was a nice break from the city. I did a lot of driving, and enjoyed every second of it. It was so nice spending time with my family, with Brennan's family, and with the friends we miss so much. It felt weird being home with no schedule, no worries, and no responsibility. Am I 20 again? But, I can't complain about mom's cooking, free food, shopping, and waking up at 10 every day. Back to the real world!
It's never easy leaving home, but oddly enough, flying in to LGA felt like coming home. Scary, huh. So here I am. My first summer in the big city. I think we're caught up. Let the summer adventures begin!
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